When my kids were eight and nine I finally felt like I had found myself again. I finally felt like I was really owning motherhood and did not feel like such a novice. My new identity as a mother had finally fallen into place, I was confident, and I had carved out a comfortable space for myself. Things felt right.
Fast forward to today. My children are now in the eighth and ninth grade and I am starting to feel like I am losing myself again. The anticipation and dread of them growing up, going to college (or an apprenticeship like my oldest has his sights set on), and moving out has made me feel this way. This huge part of my life, this thing that has identified me for the past fifteen years is going to change. Soon.
I feel lost. Again. I feel as though my purpose in life is going to change so much that I will no longer recognize the person I finally became. I am not ready for this, and it is something that I think about often. Nothing that we do can change the outcome; our children grow up, they move out, and they begin their lives as adults. Our purpose as parents has been met if we have allowed them to get here successfully. Still, the emptiness that is starting to nag at me is very real and frightening.