There are many moments in my life where I wish I had the ability of a photographic memory. Moments after my children were born, moments where my children hit their milestones, moments I had with my grandparents, moments with my parents, moments when I was a child with my siblings, and so many more.
I long for the days where my children were tiny and fell asleep on my chest, the warmth of their little bodies putting me into a satisfying sleep. I know how wonderful that feeling was, but I wish there was a part of my memory that was able to make it more real and clear
I need to record the stories my parents tell me so that I have a way to access them rather than only remembering bits and pieces. Like the stories from my dad about when he and my uncle were kids and they would ride their bikes all over creation. How my grandfather would take them on their little boat to get to Center Island Beach and it would take forever because the boat did not go very fast. Stories from my mom about how she and my aunt would torture my uncle because he was so much younger than them.
I wish I had more vivid memories of my childhood with my family. While I remember so many things that we did together these memories are a little cloudy and not full of detail. I wish that I could remember simple moments where I was sitting on mom or dad’s lap, or moments when they would read us stories before bed. I wish I had colorful memories of building the ‘farm’ on the sidewalk at the beach house in New Jersey with my sister and Megan.
Then I think about the moments that are thankfully not fully ingrained in my memory. Moments where I lost my shit and screamed at my kids, moments in college (nothing more needs to be said about that), moments where I have embarrassed myself, moments where I have let my parents down…
I am so glad that the moments where I become a crazy woman because of the toys on the floor, or the laundry that is not in the basket, or the chores that are not completed are fuzzy and do not occupy my thoughts.
I am so glad that moments from college where I may have had too much to drink and put myself in an embarrassing situation are not at the forefront of my memory. Of course I remember some of these moments and wish I could erase them completely, but thankfully they are not crowding out the good memories.
I am glad that I learned lessons from the times that I let down my parents, but thankful that most of these memories are a bit out of focus.
Our memories are so important and while I long for a better memory of all the wonderful moments that have happened in my life I am thankful I do not remember all the crummy ones in full detail. Thankfully I have thousands of photos of my children, my husband, and our animals. Thankfully I have been diligent about keeping these bits of our past in order and have videos of my children that bring me closer to these lost moments. I look back on photos of sweet reminders of our past and the feeling of being there is close, but there is always a piece missing.